


tear down every wall

by queerheda



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Because I can, Found Family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Nightmares, Nonbinary Kurapika (Hunter X Hunter), Panic Attacks, Vomiting, protective leorio
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 16:54:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24270145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerheda/pseuds/queerheda
Summary: "Killua opens the door slowly, hesitantly, but he does it anyway. He’s as pale as his hair, almost translucent under the harsh bathroom lighting, and he’s visibly shaking so badly it’s no wonder he can’t string together a sentence without stuttering in the middle."Killua has nightmares. Leorio gets to play doctor on his day off.
Relationships: Leorio Paladiknight & Killua Zoldyck, implied killugon - Relationship, implied leopika - Relationship
Comments: 7
Kudos: 299





	tear down every wall

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Sickdays on Tumblr, prompt "shake". I'm rewatching Chimera Ants arc bc that's how much I hate myself so, y'know. This had to happen. Was I supposed to write fluffy hurt/comfort and brotherly or possibly parental relationship between Leorio and Killua? Yes. Did it go very angsty? Also yes. Whoops. 
> 
> Title from Start a Riot by BANNERS

Killua gets out of bed both earlier and later than Leorio expected, eleven in the morning being surprisingly early for someone who usually falls asleep between three in the morning and never, and surprisingly late for someone sleeping in the same bed with a morning person. Gon and Kurapika have been out for about an hour, Kurapika having errands to run and Gon tagging along, and Leorio is enjoying his rare free, quiet time. He watches from his spot on the couch as Killua emerges from the guest bedroom, and frowns. 

The kid looks positively _haunted_. There's a near-empty look in his eyes and a halting quality to his footsteps, like he's moving on autopilot. He's white as a sheet. Leorio doesn't bother trying to hide the way his eyes follow as Killua moves past the living room and into the kitchen, and the fact that Killua lets him do that without so much as a glance confirms that Leorio gets to play doctor at home, now, too. 

Leorio watches as Killua pours himself a cup of lukewarm coffee and doesn’t put in an ungodly amount of sugar. Killua sits down on a barstool at the kitchen island and grabs a piece of plain white bread, and doesn’t even make a face when he takes a sip of the coffee. There’s an attempt at normalcy, but Killua’s grade is a red, fat F from where Leorio is sitting. 

He almost wants to ask, but he also doesn’t want to startle Killua into hiding. Let him come out with it when – _if_ – he feels like it, Leorio figures; it’s the only way with Killua, really. Gon has tried the forceful approach, the kind he’s so used to – the kind where he demands answers, and demands, and yells until he gets what he wants – with him many times, but has rarely succeeded. Killua has, especially these days, a tendency to shut down when faced with that. 

So Leorio waits. 

Killua’s movements look almost robotic. He nibbles at the slice of bread a little bit, takes a small sip of coffee, nibbles again. His expression stays empty, the haunted look in his eyes doesn’t lift, and the word _dissociation_ flashes through Leorio’s mind. 

He’s just starting to consider texting Kurapika about there possibly being something not quite right with Killua, when Killua flinches in the middle of a sip of coffee. The movement is so sudden that Leorio almost flinches along, but he doesn’t have time to sort it out, not really, because Killua damn near slams the cup on the table and hops off the barstool. For the first time this morning his movements seem purposeful as he turns around and heads straight into the hallway. From the glimpse Leorio catches, there’s still no emotion on his face, but he could swear the kid looks practically gray. 

Then the bathroom door slams, and Leorio gets on his feet, because god _dammit_ he guessed right so he’s not even surprised to hear the retching that follows. He makes sure his steps are audible even for a less trained person than Killua as he walks up to the bathroom, mentally shrugging on his doctor persona. He’s got a feeling Killua is not going to want anything even remotely brotherly (even if healthy family dynamics could do him a world of good). 

Leorio knocks on the door lightly, not knowing whether to expect any kind of response or not. What follows is another bout of retching, and something splattering, and then something hits the door from inside. Leorio jerks back.

“Go _away_!” Killua screams, or at least tries to – his voice is scratchy, and Leorio is almost sure he’s crying. _Sounds upset. Probably a nightmare_ , Leorio reasons. Informing Kurapika and Gon is sounding increasingly good. 

He knocks again. “Killua, I can help you, you know that,” he nearly sighs, because Killua is a frustrating teenager if he’s ever met one and if he’s as freaked out as Leorio suspects this is going to suck. But he’s a doctor, and Killua is his friend. He’s dealt with stubborn teenagers on the job enough to find a shaky semblance of a routine in this, and he’s helped Killua with nightmares before just enough to know that the longer he lets it go on the worse it will get. 

Killua throws something else at the door. Leorio isn’t surprised this time. 

“I don’t n-need help,” Killua tells him, an attempt at composure creeping into his voice and falling apart with the stammer. He sounds like he’s trying to convince himself of it more than anyone else, or maybe it’s just Leorio’s wishful thinking. _God_ he hopes Killua is just trying to hold on to his pride and not actually thinking he’s going to go through this alone. “I’m fine. Just g–” Killua tries, but is cut off by what Leorio figures is a gag, followed by an echoing heave. 

“Stop lying to yourself, kid,” Leorio tells him sternly, though not unkindly. “The faster you let me in, the faster you’ll feel better. I’ll treat this like work, if you want me to,” he adds, refraining from mentioning that this is his and Kurapika's house, actually, and Killua is their guest and thus can’t really tell him to go. 

He doesn't really expect that to do the trick. In fact, he expects Killua to yell again, or throw something again, or just completely shut down, but instead he hears footsteps – soft, but audible anyway, which is a terrible sign in and of itself since Killua’s steps are usually utterly silent to the best of ears – and a soft “okay.”

Killua opens the door slowly, hesitantly, but he does it anyway. He’s as pale as his hair, almost translucent under the harsh bathroom lighting, and he’s visibly shaking so badly it’s no wonder he can’t string together a sentence without stuttering in the middle. His jaw is clenched, probably to keep his teeth from chattering. He’s hugging himself tight and there are beads of sweat at his hairline, and yeah, he’s probably not going to be standing for much longer. 

Leorio feels his face soften as he takes in the misery in Killua’s red-rimmed eyes. Everything else about the kid is screaming _make it stop_ already, but the haunted, terrified look in his eyes is what really does it, what really screams _help_ even as his mouth is claiming he doesn’t need it. Leorio wants to bundle him up in blankets to protect him from the world and punch his brother. 

There’s an instinct to crouch down he has to quell, something he’s always been so used to doing with scared kids. He used to do it with Killua and Gon, too, but that was years ago and Killua at seventeen years old is just a tad taller than Kurapika and thus comes up to about Leorio’s shoulders instead of barely his chest with his hair mussed up, so it’s not really effective anymore. So instead he reaches out a hand to hover above Killua’s shoulder and makes sure he’s as non-threatening as possible; Killua has never taken well to looming. Leorio wants to punch his brother. 

“Killua,” he starts, calm, reassuring. Killua stares at his hovering hand with a strange mixture of apprehension and relief resulting in mostly confusion, like he wants the physical comfort but thinks he shouldn’t and he’s stuck in that loop. 

One of these days Leorio really is going to drag himself back to Padokea for the sole reason of punching Illumi. Probably a few other family members too. Milluki definitely deserves a punch or two. The parents also, he thinks. Who the fuck lets their kid become like this? 

(Who the fuck locks one of their kids in a basement and misgenders her throughout her entire life? He’s really gonna have to do something drastic, isn’t he.)

Killua stares at his hand a little longer until he nods hesitantly. He’s tense, coiled like a spring under Leorio’s hand, and his skin feels clammy. 

“You’re gonna have to communicate with me here, kid,” he tells him, squeezing his shoulder lightly. Killua shivers. Nods. Doesn’t say anything. It’s enough. “Nodding’s just fine, you don’t need to talk. You done being sick?” 

Killua hugs himself tighter and shakes his head. There’s a clear attempt at controlling his breathing, but that’s lost when he opens his mouth and tries to take a deeper breath. He makes it about halfway before it hitches and turns into a sob instead, and his face falls into horror as he slaps a hand over his mouth. Killua takes a shaky step backwards so Leorio takes his hand back to himself, not wanting to trap him.

Or he _would_ , but Killua’s other hand shoots out and grabs his wrist in a surprising move. There are tears glistening in his eyes and panic behind them, and the way he’s trying to breathe behind his hand lets Leorio know he’s heading towards a full-blown panic attack. He brings both of his hands to grip Killua’s biceps.

“Killua, listen to me. We’re gonna sit down, and we’re gonna do a couple of breathing exercises,” he says, and Killua all but collapses onto the floor, so fast Leorio can barely slow the motion down. Suddenly it’s like all the tension from Killua’s body has drained away, like he’s been given permission to stand down. 

Now that he’s no longer forcing himself to be still, the shaking is starting to calm down, even if Killua isn’t. Another sob tears through him and his hand moves to clutch at Leorio’s shirt. Leorio rubs his thumbs in circles on Killua’s skin, letting go of the strict professionalism in favor of something uncomfortably parental that has nagged at him ever since he met Killua and Gon.

“Hey, kid, listen, I know it’s easy to sink, but look at me. I’m gonna help you.”

Killua raises his head, looks straight into Leorio’s eyes, and nods. The movement is jerky, barely there, but he’s staring right at Leorio. 

Leorio guides him through two different breathing exercises – the first one doesn’t work, almost makes things worse – and by the time Killua’s breathing starts to settle into a steadier rhythm they’ve been sitting on the hard floor for about ten minutes. Leorio waits a few more minutes, until Killua has mostly calmed down and he’s sure the kid is breathing properly, before talking again. 

“You wanna talk about it?” he asks, tries to present the question so that there’s no demand for Killua to answer if he doesn’t want to. 

But because Killua is Killua and can never do anything the easy way, he tenses up immediately, scrambles to the toilet, and throws up again. Leorio resists the urge to sigh and moves himself next to Killua, who looks positively gray again and is shaking like a leaf. 

“I. I saw Illumi,” Killua whispers into the toilet, and Leorio is almost startled. Almost. Surprised, yes. “And Gon, at, at NGL.” Killua swallows thickly and rests his forehead on the rim in front of him. He’s curling up tighter again. “And I saw Illumi killing Gon, and Gon was killing, and he was crying, and I-I-I ran, I ran _away_ and Illumi got to Alluka and I didn’t do _anything_ –”

It seems that once Killua gets going, he’s going to keep talking. It’s probably a good thing, to vent everything out, even if Leorio would prefer it if he could do it in a more controlled, less frantic manner. But it’s too late for that now, so Leorio lets him ramble on through his nightmares and keeps rubbing circles on Killua’s shoulders and back. 

Killua doesn’t calm down once he stops talking, so Leorio persuades him into the living room and talks him through another breathing exercise. Killua’s hands shake as he keeps count with his fingers and lists his surroundings with a wavering voice, but eventually he just slumps against the armrest, still looking somewhat haunted but no longer verging on a complete breakdown. Just tired and small. He takes two sips of water Leorio forces into him, and continues looking tired and small.

“I’m gonna text Kurapika,” Leorio says, after a good stretch of silence. Killua tenses up, but not much. Good. “They’re gonna tell Gon, so how vague do you want me to be?” He waits for an answer, but all Killua does is shrug, so Leorio keeps the message professionally vague. “You want Gon here?” he thinks to ask. Killua nods. Leorio adds another line to the text and hits send. 

Kurapika makes hot chocolate like only they can, once they come home. Gon plants himself next to Killua on the couch, gathers him into a hug and doesn’t let go for hours. Killua leans his head on Gon’s shoulder and sips at his hot chocolate quietly, just listens to Gon prattle on about everything and anything and nothing. 

An occasional shiver still runs through Killua, and Gon holds him just a bit tighter with each one. Leorio retreats to the kitchen with Kurapika and decides to leave it be. Kurapika hands him a steaming mug that’s not coffee and not hot chocolate either, so it’s probably some fancy tea Kurapika is so fond of these days. He’s much more of a coffee person, and really, caffeine would be nice right now, but Kurapika scoffs at him and softly tells him to just drink it, so he does. It’s a bit sweet, and there’s a slightly bitter taste under it that he can’t quite place. 

Kurapika settles next to him with a book and a mug of their own. Leorio sips at his drink slowly and pulls out his phone. He spares a glance at the living room every now and again, but they both leave the kids alone. 

The next morning, Killua thanks Leorio, unsure with his words and body language, but thanks him anyway. He looks a lot better, a lot more alert than he did yesterday. He doesn’t want to talk about it further, so Leorio takes his thanks, gives the kid a hug, and lets it be. 

**Author's Note:**

> Toss a comment to your author and come scream with me on [Tumblr](https://explodoriot.tumblr.com)


End file.
